The Book of Bloke by Ben Pobjie

Author:Ben Pobjie [Ben Pobjie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781743341056
Publisher: Momentum
Published: 2012-10-22T04:00:00+00:00

BLOKEFACTS!

Did you know … the word ‘Bloke’ is believed to derive from the Latin ‘Bulokum’, which means ‘he who runs naked across the Colosseum’ – originally it was thought to be a variant of the Sanskrit ‘Billiok’, meaning ‘sixpack’.

The Veteran

The Veteran is a hardy and resilient Bloke found most commonly in suburban and regional areas, generally staying out of the city because it’s too loud. Veterans are notable due to the wealth of life experience and wisdom they possess, which they employ mostly for the purpose of complaining at great length and volume about all those younger than themselves. Most varieties of Veteran are intensely angry most of the time, although – fortunately, for the sake of public order – their expressions of anger are limited mainly to letter-writing and other forms of low-level civil protest. The Veteran has much in common with the Bogan in that he tends to be driven by resentment, but whereas the Bogan’s resentment springs from being labelled a Bogan, the Veteran mainly resents the number of computers there are nowadays. As such, Veterans tend to loathe Geeks; then again, most Veterans can find a reason to loathe pretty much anyone. Certainly, they have no great love for Bogans, even if they used to be one – Bogans who drive their cars too fast and play their music too loud are particular bêtes noir of the Veteran. Tunesters are also enemies due to their love of loud music, and Leftites and Snags are regarded with almost limitless loathing and also a good deal of psychosexual terror. For similar reasons, Artists are normally unwelcome in Veteran homes, unless their art is painting portraits of angry old men. However, there is no doubt that, among the ranks of Blokes, Veterans reserve a special level of intense, bestial hatred for Fauxkes. It is when confronted with a Fauxke – especially a Wanksta or Drainpipe – that a Veteran is likely to get most vocal, and, in extreme cases, violent. There are extensive records of vicious Veteran attacks on Fauxkes, including instances of young Fauxkes being tripped with walking sticks and slapped with felt hats. Like a bee that gives up its sting, a Veteran who launches such an attack has most likely doomed himself, however, as the excitement frequently brings on cardiac arrest, and the vast majority of Veterans who attack Fauxkes have ended up either dead or in need of a nice cup of tea.

The Bloke’s Bloke is the only Bloke variety who tends to get the Veteran’s approval, mainly because most Veterans used to be Bloke’s Blokes, or at least have managed to convince themselves they were. Athletes and Farmers are especially lionised within Veteran society as the apotheosis of what a true Bloke should be, and Veterans will use their example frequently to berate their own offspring to the point where they stop visiting, whereupon the Veteran will start complaining to everyone he meets about how his children won’t visit him. Although the Veteran is

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